Archive for October, 2016

Your Personality: Controller Or Pleaser? Expressive Or Retentive?

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

When I work with people doing therapy, coaching, or career evaluation, I try to help a client/patient understand his or her core personality. By this I mean a basic style of interacting with other people, emanating from their core nature.  For the sake of this writing I will focus on two components and the variance within each. The two component factors are Controller-Pleaser and Emotional Expression-Retention. These factors greatly influence how your personality affects your personal relationships and career choices. They are mostly genetically generated with experiential influences.

Do you have a Controller or Pleaser personality component? The Controller personality person has a take charge style in various facets of his life. The Controller person typically is pro-active towards life, usually “Type A”.  S/he makes things happen in a way that allows him/her to be safe, not vulnerable, and productive. Like all personality components there are degrees of control manifest in such a person ranging from very aggressive to assured assertiveness. Conflict and confrontation are usual byproducts of this component.

The Pleaser personality is very different. This person, usually “Type B”, has more of a reactive style. S/he want to be accepted and liked. S/he tends to be non assertive and works hard to avoid conflict or confrontation. S/he tends to get along well with most everybody.

The second personality component factor focused on here is the emotionally Expressive and Retentive types. The Expressive type usually is present more in the Control personality. This person tends to get his or her emotions out no matter what. The intensity of expression will vary. This person will readily display his or her anger and, occasionally, tears. You know where this person is coming from!

The emotionally Retentive person is vastly different. This person usually is associated with the Pleaser personality. S/he tends to hold in his or her emotions. It is difficult to know the emotions hidden within this person. S/he shies away from anger and is more inclined to shelter feelings of sadness/depression or fears/anxiety.

These factors, Controller-Pleaser, Expressive-Retentive, are not inherently healthy or unhealthy, good or bad. Depending on where they are on the continuum each will reveal the productive or destructive elements of each. To be in control without being controlling has value. To be pleasing without denying your needs works well. To be expressive without blowing another away is good style. To be able to restrain negative or harmful expressions is wise.

These personality core components are two of the most important and impactful of your being. It is important for you to know them because they significantly influence your relationships, especially romantic, as well as career direction. In one session with you I can explain which ones you are, as well as the implications for your life.

Bottom line, be all you can be. Bring the best out of what your nature has provided. “To thine own self be true”!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”   Socrates

7 Things Your Husband Isn’t Telling You He Needs!

Friday, October 21st, 2016

I’ve written often about what women need from their husbands. Men are telling me that I don’t write enough about their needs. Thus, this writing springs forth. Assisting me with this effort is Brittany Wong who wrote an article, after doing her research on this topic, with the above listed headline. I will add my thoughts to her efforts.

  1. MEN WANT THEIR WIVES TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”: Don’t assume your husband knows how much you love him. You do, do you not? Express daily you love in words and actions.
  2. MEN WANT THEIR SPACE, ESPECIALLY AFTER AN ARGUMENT: A man usually needs more breaks from coupledom than a woman does. He needs to cool down, shut his mouth, process things before trying to again address the issue. But, he may not stay distanced for very long in pout mode.
  3. MEN WANT THEIR WIVES TO INITIATE SEX: Men want to feel wanted and sex is a special way of feeling wanted! Men are sensitive to being turned down because usually men want sex more often than women do. If the wife initiates the husband doesn’t have to deal with the angry/hurt feelings of rejection.
  4. MEN WANT TO BE HEARD: Women generally process and verbalize faster than men. While a man may be silent while reflecting on an issue the wife should remain quiet and give the man time to offer his thoughts. Men often feel that their wives don’t really care what they have to say or talk on over them.
  5. MEN WANT TO BE PRAISED, APPRECIATED AND VALIDATED: Men want their “attaboys” from a cheerleading wife for their efforts on behalf of her and the family, or just an individual accomplishment. Look for things to praise and thank him for doing.
  6. MEN WANT TO BE TOUCHED: Short casual touches, pecks on the lips, a quick hug all help a man feel desired and connected to his wife. They say “I care” about you.
  7. MEN WANT TO BE RESPECTED: They want to be respected for who they are and how they act. They want their wife to be proud of them.

Certainly there are more things that particular husbands desire from their wives that Ms. Wong does not mention. A big one is trust. Trust at multiple levels. And there are others. Men feel free to jump in here and read this article to your wife if she is failing in any of these. And feel free to add to the list!

Okay, I have given men their due. After reading this I am again reminded of how in most cases that men and women want similar things. They may vary among people and at certain ages but a good marriage needs to contain the above factors. Why? Because they are basic human needs, building blocks, for two people to continue to grow in love.

I hope your marriage contains these elements. If not, work to develop them so that a good marriage continues and deepens. It’s worth it!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”    Socrates

Unique Ways To Invite Creativity Into Your Life!

Friday, October 14th, 2016

Over the course of my life I have never considered myself to be particularly creative. There are abundant reasons for that. Some of them would be the parochial education I had which demanded rote memorization, my left brain orientation, and lack of awareness of the importance of it in my life. As I have grown in consciousness, freedom, opportunity, and occasional necessity, I have found ways to open up the right brain possibilities of creativity within my being. Still have a long way to go, but do want to share some thoughts on creativity that I have used and others that come from writers such as Preston Ni. I present some of Mr. Ni’s thoughts and my own attempts.

  1. Change your “I don’t know” or “I can’t” thinking to “What if …” If you start with the negative perspective you limit the opportunity for the positive to come forth. Examples of self talk that invite creative options would be: “I have what it takes to figure this out”, I will find the inspiration I need to do this”, etc… . This is a good start.
  2. Take a break from the mundane. Get out of your usual rut. When you experience your world from a different stance your perspective changes, creativity options open. Vacations, for example, with its relaxed milieu often can foster creativity.
  3. Listen to complex music. The links between music, intelligence, and creativity are well established. Stimulating complex music refreshes your mind and opens up some of the clogged channels of nascent creativity.
  4. Get out of your head with exercise and movement. Exercise stimulates the brain and changes the brain rhythms to a more creative state.
  5. Immerse yourself in nature and colors. Walk by or be on water. Trek the winding trails of nature. If you feel confused and are in search of clarity, go into a space where there are colors of green and blue, which have a calming effect. A calm mind is the bedrock for creative growth. To further cultivate creative ideas, place yourself in the midst of vibrant colors which stimulate the senses.
  6. When you meditate you slow down the speed of your brain waves from the faster states of Beta and Gamma to the slower states of Theta and Alpha. These slower calmer states are facilitative of creativity.
  7. Take a bathroom break or a shower. Yes, that is what I suggest. Here’s why as explained by Carolyn Gregoire. “When you take a bathroom break … to clear your head – precisely when your attention wanders from the task at hand – the missing link pops into your mind.” As for the shower. “It is a place of incubation – a change of scenery from the rest of our everyday lives that’s relatively free of stimulation and distractions, … thus we can focus on our inner desires, daydreams, memories – thereby increasing the likelihood that our mind will come up with creative connections.”

If you follow my writings at all you know that I am all about maximizing the brain, utilizing  balance both the right and left brain spheres. Creativity emanates from the right brain.  Find ways to expand your creativity. You will be more of yourself! May the above suggestions be of assistance.