JOHN J. STATHAS, Ph.D., LMFT
At last, the magic formula to find and keep the love of your life! That is the message of Leil Lowndes in her book HOW TO MAKE ANYONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Ms. Lowndes thesis is “that you can capture, and keep, the heart of any man or woman you choose because … science is finally unraveling what romantic love actually is, What triggers it. What kills it. What makes it last”. Okay, let’s get on that magic carpet ride and see where this “science” leads us.
Ms. Lowndes focuses on six elements for this falling in love process:
- FIRST IMPRESSIONS: “The moment you set eyes on each other, your Potential Love Partner reacts to the subtleties of your body language. Thus the way you first present yourself is important – if there are to be future possibilities”.
- SIMILAR CHARACTER, COMPLEMENTARY NEEDS: “If there is to be compatability for a lifetime… some similarity is necessary. Certain values, beliefs, activities, and world view are important. Besides similarity it is important to look for complementary qualities – ones that we find interesting and may enhance our lives”.
- EQUITY: “Lovers unconsciously calculate the other person’s comparable worth, the cost-benefit ratio of the reality of hidden costs, the maintenance fee, and the assumed depreciation. This is part of making a good long term investment”.
- EGO: “Everyone hungers for security and validation. … You want your potential partner to feel that you are his or her harbor from the storm of life”.
- EARLY-DATE GENDER MEMBERS: “Men and women think and communicate in drastically different way. You need to know some of these differences if you hope to commit”.
- Rx FOR SEX: “Mind power is what drives the mighty machine and keeps it generating heat for many years. The most erotic organ in the body is his or her brain. … Men need to create sensuality and passion in every aspect of your relationship. Women your sexual attitude and how you deal with his individual sexuality is the most important”.
Well, now you know the secrets of “science” enabling you “make anyone fall in love with you”! Such breakthroughs. My take is that this is a watered down version of MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. There are basic kernels of insight here to be sure. Better reads for the creation and maintenance of a solid love relationship are the works of Dr.John Gottman, Dr. Pat Love, and Dr. Harville Hendrix. (Google them). Their solid research and pragmatic articulation are some of the best works in the field.
Perhaps Ms. Lowndes, with her catchy title, has caught your attention and given you some starting points for the life task of finding and keeping a mate of value and compatability. For that her book has merit.
Personally speaking, I do not believe that there is any life task more important than finding a life long romantic partner with whom you can share the vicissitudes of a life worth living. I am grateful that I chose a profession that taught me how to do the “due diligence” to find the right partner for me. Thirty five years later Sherry is “still the one”! May you be as fortunate!
“The unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates