Relationship Insights

Periodically in life you get “bad news” – a kick in the teeth that you did not expect. The painful message may be related to your health, relationship, career, children, parents, finances or whatever.  The news can touch the very fiber of your being  – emotionally/spiritually. A kick in the head!

Over the years I have witnessed many responses to “bad news”, both personally and professionally.  I have tried to share in people’s pain and attempted to help them make the best choice possible under the prevailing circumstances.  Always there are choices.

Often people blame as a first response.  The list of those blamed may include God, spouse, boss, family, friend, etal.  Often related to blame is anger which is usually aimed at one of the above mentioned culprits.  And then there are those who sink down into fear and depression as a response to the “bad news”.   “Woe is me” and the pity party begins and, sometimes, never ends. “Life is not fair!”

There is no question that the “bad news” is painful, often excruciatingly so. As you experience life over time there are many hurtful moments.  What counts for survival and ultimate satisfaction in life is how you respond to these hurts. What are some of the more positive responses that could be chosen?

Let me remind you of some cliché’s that you have probably heard and may serve as motivators:

“If life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

“When the going gets tough, the tough get going”

“When one door closes, another door opens”

(One that I can’t stand is: “This must be part of God’s plan; it is not for us to try and understand it”.  This is a ridiculous platitude that somehow suggests that God zaps into the universe picking out certain people to hurt for the purpose of  ?  Sure, that’s what the God of Love does!)  A more realistic statement is:  “S___ Happens”  (the missing letters are tuff, in case you were wondering about the bumper sticker cliché’) Some things have no
explanation that makes sense.

Attitude, focus, and behavior adjustment are important responses to the “bad news” You cannot change the “bad news” once it has arrived.  Hopefully you can be pro-active in doing things that will minimize further “bad news” from arriving and prepare yourself to move forward.

A therapeutic response, if at all possible in the recovery from shock period, is to focus on the “good news” that exists in your life.  What are the positives
that exist in your life?  Who are the loving people who care for you and are there to support you through this travail? What good things make up your life? I encourage you to write down these things.  Such attention to them can gradually shift your focus from suffering to gratitude.  Most people have many factors in their life that are positive and help them to “change the channel” from present despair to hope for the future.

Yes, illness, divorce, death of a loved one, spousal-parents-kids, health, and financial issues do bring “bad news” sometimes and such news can drop us to our knees for a spell.  But the person of faith and resilience gets up and challenges life’s headwinds with new resolve – grateful to be alive and have more opportunities to experience the “good stuff” available for those who are able to move ahead.  Hopefully you have, or will develop, that capability!

Did you ever see the movie “DOUBT” starring Meryl Streep.  Riveting.  It had many Oscar nominations. It has a great story line and incredible acting. It impacted me in several thought-provoking ways. How about you?  Have you seen it?  Your reaction?

DOUBT is a personal movie for me.  I have lived much of the way of life portrayed in the film. I grew up Catholic.  I was an altar boy (filled the cruets and sneakily tasted the altar wine); was slapped around by the nuns (but got my grammar correct); became a priest (tried to bring love and compassion to a stodgy church while never touching an altar boy).

In the seminary for five years I studied the Bible and how it was formed, Christian History, denominational spin offs,  and how Dogma and Church practices were developed – all emanating from the simple teachings of Jesus. As I learned more I moved from the faith certainty of my youth (“Yes, Father”) to the doubt of my seminary trained adulthood.

One of the themes of the movie was tolerance.  Tolerance invites openness, freedom to explore, and non judgment of others who may live a different form of existence or belief system.  It is the opposite of intolerance – dogmatically proclaiming truth and condemning those who differ.  Some people are threatened by DOUBT, their own or that of others.  Their fear leads them to resort to the safety net of rigidity.  They have “hardening of the categories”. Their motto is “don’t confuse me with the facts”.

Faith is a wonderful thing to have – as long as you understand that faith is a “leap” (as the Protestant theologian Kierkegaard taught). Faith has no certainty or logic about it.  It is a belief – a hope – that something exists. It cannot be objectively proved. (Confer Merriam – Webster dictionary)

Doubt is to be sanctioned and encouraged in a free and diverse society.  It, hopefully, means a person does not take things for granted, buy into something just because s/he was told that XYZ is true.  Gullibility can lead to painful consequences. Doubters can be searchers after truth – open to dialogue and greater understanding. Unfortunately doubters can also be dogmatic, which is oxymoronic behavior.

In the film a man was judged, vilified, gossiped about by a dogmatic woman who “leaped” to a conclusion based on her “intuition”.  She ruined his life and noble ministry and in the end cried as she expressed her “DOUBT”.

And you, respected reader, do you have doubt in regard to any facet of your life – in  whatever or whomever you have faith?  God, Church, denominations, institutions, your
fellow human beings, individual people?  What do you believe?  Who do you believe in?  Are you tolerant, a seeker finding your own beliefs and practices?

The movie DOUBT is provocative and invites reflection on many levels.  My hope is that this article suggests the same to you – the freedom to doubt – and not judge (“There is only one Judge” – and you ain’t it!) as you come to conclusions about what is right for you to believe and live faithfully – and, perhaps, even share with other seekers of truth who may also be free enough to DOUBT.

“The unexamined life  is not worth living”    Socrates

A mentor is someone who believes in you, sees your potential, and offers encouragement andadvice.  S/he can be invaluable iassisting another person to reach his or her goal.

I was fortunateto have had one.  When I was finishing myMasters degree at Georgia State University an esteemed professor, Dr. KenMatheny, impacted my life.  He asked meif I might be interested in the Doctoral program.  I was taken aback, yet flattered, by hisinquiry. He encouraged me to apply.  was fortunate to be accepted and then I chose him as my major professor.  In that role he guided me, sometimeschastised me, on through the completion of my Ph.D.  I will always be grateful to this person.

At this time serveas a Mentor toa number of people and feel honored to do so.Assisting individuals in assessing their potential, seeing options thatmay be available, clarifying choices, realizing consequences, and making wisedecisions is a privilege and responsibility I value.

Too many peoplethink they know more than they do.  Theydo not want to be confused with facts and options.  Stubbornness and false ego also presentobstacles to good decision-making regarding their next step.

What challenges are before you at this developmental stage of your life?  Is a new direction needed in your life: health, dating, marriage, family, career, financial, recreational, spiritual?  What is your need? A competent caring mentor may well assist you to positively move forward.

If you have had a mentor in the past, perhaps you want to again thank him or her for the contribution made to your life.  Perhaps you are a person who is capable of mentoring someone else.  You might want to make yourself available. Everyone has a gift or talent to share in order to assist another.  What might be your gift?

This Sunday we honor Mothers (called by many a familiar name – Mom, Mommy, Mama) – and deservedly so.  Mothers know what they have gone through to bring children into the world and do their best to lovingly care for them through the growing years.

Mothers, you have a singular privilege – bringing a child into this world!  You have felt the unique pain of birthing and the sweet joy of holding a new born.Nurturing,soothing, hugging, “being there”, empathizing, healing, correcting, congratulating, are but a few of the mothering responsibilities. There are so many roles and functions that a mother carries out on behalf of her children.

Others of us, the “kids” may or may not know the efforts and sacrifices that our mothers have gone through on the journey of raising us.  Most mothers don’t brag or whine about what challenges we have brought to them over the years.  They just want us to be healthy and happy.  They deserve their special day of recognition.

Stepmothers, we honor you as well.  Too often you are not appreciated for the significant role you play in raising a child.  You make many sacrifices and have to make many adjustments to the unique position you play in the family.

Some family men choose to not honor their wives on this occasion. They say “she’s not my mother.” Such a man does not see the bigger picture.  He would not be a father if his wife had not delivered, and primarily raised, his kid(s).  A woman cherishes her role as mother and is appreciative of her husband’s acknowledgement of her contribution.
Husbands, don’t miss the opportunity to show your love and gratitude to your wife as mother.

Also, husbands, please teach your children when they are young how to honor their mother on this designated day, and every day.  Take them to get a card or other gift of thoughtfulness.  (With such parental education, you may even get something from them for Father’s Day!).

Thanks Mothers everywhere.  Keep bringing us your steadfast love.  We will try to return it in kind and be the person you hoped we would be when you delivered us out of
your body into the world.  Happy Mother’s Day!

On a personal note.  Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Sherry, for being wonderful mothers! And daughter Brittany, you’re doing an awesome job with baby Hailey!

You’ve heard the statement, “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it”, have you not? There is wisdom in that. There also is wisdom to fix something that is broke.  Relationships can be broken, in disrepair – not working well.  The solution?  FIX IT!

Too many relationships continue to merely drift along in mediocrity because one or both of the persons involved won’t fix it.  Somebody has to lead and say “Honey, this isn’t working. Want to try a fresh start?”  And the other says, “yes, I’ll give it a try.”  These are the most important factors:

1. Recognize that there is a problem.

2. One person states that the problem needs to be addressed.

3. The other agrees to work on it.

Now what?

If your car isn’t working, you take it to a competent mechanic to get it fixed.  If you have a health problem, you go to a competent physician to figure it out. If your marriage isn’t working, you go to a competent Marriage and Family therapist to fix it.  Or, perhaps, your marriage isn’t as important as your car or health.

A “fresh start” would involve a few basic steps. One, find a therapist that you both think is competent, can be objective, not take sides, and provide caring leadership and direction in a timely manner.

Important starting points for a “fresh start” would include:

For the woman: That you be heard. Once you get all the painful facts out in therapy, so that the therapist knows what has led you to come to counseling, do not ever bring up such history again. Trust that the therapist has understood and will provide strategies to heal and assure that such behavior by your husband will cease.  Develop amnesia for the painful things from that past and focus on the good things that your husband has done. Your righteous anger is not attractive or helpful in trying to mask the underlying
pain you have experienced. Learn how to forgive and “let go, let God”.

For the man: Make your wife your number one priority in life. All other things come and go – your kids, your job, your virility, etc…  Be attuned to her and grateful that she is still with you in spite of all the stupid things you have done. Apologize. Be a leader and help your wife feel secure and loved. Usually she feels that you have lost interest in her.

The above two stereotypical factors are pertinent to most all troubled marriages. Invariably they are brought up in our initial meeting. If they are positively addressed we can move ahead and deal with other issues that may exist and work toward meeting each person’s essential needs.

So, I ask you, respected reader, if your marriage has issues to address, are you the leader that says, “Honey, this isn’t working. Want to try a fresh start?”  Or are you the person who says, “I’ll give it a try”?  Or are you the person that continues to merely exist in your mediocre marriage and won’t work on it?

Most marriages have room for improvement.  Those who are committed to the relationship long term will address concerns in a timely manner. In doing so you can create a loving relationship which nurtures well each person. You deserve such a life!