7 Things Your Husband Isn’t Telling You He Needs!

October 21st, 2016

I’ve written often about what women need from their husbands. Men are telling me that I don’t write enough about their needs. Thus, this writing springs forth. Assisting me with this effort is Brittany Wong who wrote an article, after doing her research on this topic, with the above listed headline. I will add my thoughts to her efforts.

  1. MEN WANT THEIR WIVES TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”: Don’t assume your husband knows how much you love him. You do, do you not? Express daily you love in words and actions.
  2. MEN WANT THEIR SPACE, ESPECIALLY AFTER AN ARGUMENT: A man usually needs more breaks from coupledom than a woman does. He needs to cool down, shut his mouth, process things before trying to again address the issue. But, he may not stay distanced for very long in pout mode.
  3. MEN WANT THEIR WIVES TO INITIATE SEX: Men want to feel wanted and sex is a special way of feeling wanted! Men are sensitive to being turned down because usually men want sex more often than women do. If the wife initiates the husband doesn’t have to deal with the angry/hurt feelings of rejection.
  4. MEN WANT TO BE HEARD: Women generally process and verbalize faster than men. While a man may be silent while reflecting on an issue the wife should remain quiet and give the man time to offer his thoughts. Men often feel that their wives don’t really care what they have to say or talk on over them.
  5. MEN WANT TO BE PRAISED, APPRECIATED AND VALIDATED: Men want their “attaboys” from a cheerleading wife for their efforts on behalf of her and the family, or just an individual accomplishment. Look for things to praise and thank him for doing.
  6. MEN WANT TO BE TOUCHED: Short casual touches, pecks on the lips, a quick hug all help a man feel desired and connected to his wife. They say “I care” about you.
  7. MEN WANT TO BE RESPECTED: They want to be respected for who they are and how they act. They want their wife to be proud of them.

Certainly there are more things that particular husbands desire from their wives that Ms. Wong does not mention. A big one is trust. Trust at multiple levels. And there are others. Men feel free to jump in here and read this article to your wife if she is failing in any of these. And feel free to add to the list!

Okay, I have given men their due. After reading this I am again reminded of how in most cases that men and women want similar things. They may vary among people and at certain ages but a good marriage needs to contain the above factors. Why? Because they are basic human needs, building blocks, for two people to continue to grow in love.

I hope your marriage contains these elements. If not, work to develop them so that a good marriage continues and deepens. It’s worth it!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”    Socrates

Unique Ways To Invite Creativity Into Your Life!

October 14th, 2016

Over the course of my life I have never considered myself to be particularly creative. There are abundant reasons for that. Some of them would be the parochial education I had which demanded rote memorization, my left brain orientation, and lack of awareness of the importance of it in my life. As I have grown in consciousness, freedom, opportunity, and occasional necessity, I have found ways to open up the right brain possibilities of creativity within my being. Still have a long way to go, but do want to share some thoughts on creativity that I have used and others that come from writers such as Preston Ni. I present some of Mr. Ni’s thoughts and my own attempts.

  1. Change your “I don’t know” or “I can’t” thinking to “What if …” If you start with the negative perspective you limit the opportunity for the positive to come forth. Examples of self talk that invite creative options would be: “I have what it takes to figure this out”, I will find the inspiration I need to do this”, etc… . This is a good start.
  2. Take a break from the mundane. Get out of your usual rut. When you experience your world from a different stance your perspective changes, creativity options open. Vacations, for example, with its relaxed milieu often can foster creativity.
  3. Listen to complex music. The links between music, intelligence, and creativity are well established. Stimulating complex music refreshes your mind and opens up some of the clogged channels of nascent creativity.
  4. Get out of your head with exercise and movement. Exercise stimulates the brain and changes the brain rhythms to a more creative state.
  5. Immerse yourself in nature and colors. Walk by or be on water. Trek the winding trails of nature. If you feel confused and are in search of clarity, go into a space where there are colors of green and blue, which have a calming effect. A calm mind is the bedrock for creative growth. To further cultivate creative ideas, place yourself in the midst of vibrant colors which stimulate the senses.
  6. When you meditate you slow down the speed of your brain waves from the faster states of Beta and Gamma to the slower states of Theta and Alpha. These slower calmer states are facilitative of creativity.
  7. Take a bathroom break or a shower. Yes, that is what I suggest. Here’s why as explained by Carolyn Gregoire. “When you take a bathroom break … to clear your head – precisely when your attention wanders from the task at hand – the missing link pops into your mind.” As for the shower. “It is a place of incubation – a change of scenery from the rest of our everyday lives that’s relatively free of stimulation and distractions, … thus we can focus on our inner desires, daydreams, memories – thereby increasing the likelihood that our mind will come up with creative connections.”

If you follow my writings at all you know that I am all about maximizing the brain, utilizing  balance both the right and left brain spheres. Creativity emanates from the right brain.  Find ways to expand your creativity. You will be more of yourself! May the above suggestions be of assistance.

Lower Your Stress By Eliminating These People From Your Life!

September 30th, 2016

Stress exists for everyone. One stressor is certain types of people that inhabit your life.

Casey Imafidon has written an illuminating article about removing certain types of stressful people from your life. These people are toxic. They sap energy and positive feeling from your life and detour your adventurous life moving forward. Here are the types with my added descriptors.

  1. EGOTIST: This arrogant person, full of him/her self tends to make you feel inferior while s/he poisoning the energy in your milieu. No room in the spotlight of life for you.
  2. ENVIOUS: These jealous types seem to enjoy your down times rather than your victories. They welcome your down times but have difficulty in championing your successes.
  3. PRETENTIOUS: These people are not capable of being there for you when you need them. They are superficial shallow people who are too busy putting on airs to be there for you.
  4. RETROGRESSIVE: These people are stuck in their stagnant way of life and do what they can to stifle your progress going forward. They like the old you and are threatened by your movement forward.
  5. JUDGMENTAL: Nothing is good enough for this type of person. They believe criticizing and scolding is better than praising.
  6. CONTROLLER: They are devious in trying to twist or out-muscle you to fulfill their desires. You become a pawn in their masterful chess game as they move you around to meet their needs.
  7. LIAR: You cannot trust these people. In order to grow you need trustworthy people around you who support you with candid and honest opinions.
  8. GOSSIPER: These insecure people use their tongue to twist facts and distort information. They get attention this way. Don’t turn your back on them or share information that you do not want to be spread around in ways that hurt you.
  9. PARASITE: These people are only in your life to suck and feed off you. They are users with only self interest in mind.
  10. VICTIM: They never accept responsibility. They blame and point fingers at others for their misfortune. The “woe is me” theme from them is draining and exhausting.

There may be other types of people in your life that are stressful to you. Look closely! There is some solid research that says you are a composite of the five people closest to you. Select wisely! Start by eliminating the above listed toxic people. If you do so you will have eliminated significant sources of stress and delimiters of your success moving forward.

On the positive side, seek out, find, and nurture relationships with people who bring out the best in you, and you in them. There are so many wonderful people in this world. Be with them!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”    Socrates

Want Deeper Relationships? Try “My Life Story”!

September 24th, 2016

I admit it. I find trivial conversation boring. It is fine for openers but if it doesn’t lead to something of depth, I’ll find an excuse to move on. Perhaps I’m just not good at it and/or perhaps I like to go deeper into who people are, what they believe, and how it impacts their life choices and behavior. Life is too short to live in the superficial. I’m not judgmental of those who think and communicate differently, just not my style. Plus, I do believe that there are many individuals who trivia talk that would prefer more in depth conversation and connection with others. For those of you interested, read on.

Monique Honaman, a corporate trainer and fellow blogger, wrote an interesting piece recently about a technique she has used to develop trust and bonding with employees of a company she was consulting with. The technique is to have each person have five minutes to share something of his or herself with the others. The beginning point is “My life story”. To get the ball rolling she suggests some starting points. They are:

  1. “Take us through your life highlighting the key points”
  2. “Who has made the biggest impact on your life? Why?”
  3. “What are you most proud of?”
  4. “What aggravates you?” ( I don’t like this one. It puts negative energy into the room)
  5. “What is the most challenging thing you have ever done?”
  6. “Where and when did you meet your spouse?” (I added that one)
  7. “Why did you choose the career that you did?” (I added that one as well)

None of this is life threatening, yet it opens up a sense of connection to others. As the founder of Humanistic Psychology, Dr. Carl Rogers, stated, “That which is most personal is most universal.”  Below the surface each of us human beings share so much in common basic to life’s adventure, as well as unique idiosyncrasies. It is a shame that too often we don’t find the mechanism to share these commonalities and differences. It’s where the “good stuff” resides!

I like that Monique, (we’ve met and talked in depth so I can call her “Monique” J)  uses this technique in her professional consulting with corporations.  She finds in this setting that this human sharing leads to team members collaborating better with each other or as she states, “completing each other instead of competing with each other”.



I addition to doing counseling and therapy, and giving workshops, I have led “personal growth” groups. These have been enormously fun and productive as I facilitated and watched people share their “life story”. I witnessed people empathize, learn from, be motivated and supported, to move forward in their personal growth in various forms. Friendships formed, and in some cases, romances began, as a result of such personal sharing.

Respected Reader, I invite you to share your personal “life story” and invite others to do the same. A connection based on such a sharing results in a more caring trusting relationship. Give it a try and see if your life is enriched by sharing something in depth with another. I know my life continually is enriched by this interaction – both personally and professionally. My life is never boring thanks to the wonderful people who share their “life story” with me and invite me to share mine. Ah, depth!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”   Socrates

Living A Life Without Major Regrets: Younger People Take Heed!

September 16th, 2016

For those of you who read with some regularity my penned thoughts you know that one of my favorite mottos from my Socratic mentor is “The unexamined life is not worth living”. I challenge myself in this manner and invite other people who want to live the fullest and happiest life possible to do the same. If you examine your life, both backwards and forwards, you probably say to yourself, “I wish I had not done that”, whatever “that” may be. Everyone has some of them, hopefully none too catastrophic in impact. And going forward what are areas to be “examined” that involved life choices that could lead to fulfillment or regret?

Dr. Kari Plummer, Professor of Human Development, at Cornell University has written an intriguing article entitled “Living a life without (major) regrets”. Over the past ten years he has surveyed around 2000 older people. He asked these elders this question, “What can younger people do now to avoid having regrets at your age?” The results were interesting and may shed light on how to make life decisions, big and small.

Here are the results – the top five recommendations by these thoughtful elders.

  1. CHOOSE A MATE WITH EXTREME CARE: The elders felt that this was the most important decision a human being makes. They say “we are not careful enough”. They say, “question the decision, then question it again. Or you may be in for deep and serious regrets. Respected Reader, do you have any doubt as to why I chose this topic to write about?! I truly believe that your marriage is the most impactful event in your life. Thus “due diligence” is so important. I’ll say it again, too many people spend more time and money researching a car, house, or other significant investment than they do a potential life partner. Incredible!
  2. ALWAYS BE HONEST: Elders felt that honesty is an indisputable core value. Dishonesty was mentioned over and over as a source of profound regret. To avoid later life remorse, “tell the truth and don’t cheat anybody”.
  3. TRAVEL MORE: Do it now as much as you are able. Elders say that when your traveling days are over, you will wish you had taken one more trip.
  4. WORRY LESS: Elders deeply regret wasted worrying time about things that never happened. “Worry wastes your life” said one.
  5. SAY IT NOW: Elders emphasize this lesson either because they were grateful that they spoke their piece while there was still time, or because they profoundly regret not having done so. “Send flowers to the living. The dead never see them!”

Surely there are other possible regrets but these are some of the major ones for most people. May this message heighten your awareness, Respected Reader, of potential regrets that you may have should you leave this planet earlier than you were expecting!